Connected
by Lara1221
Summary: Severus Snape figures out life a little too late. Love, loss, regrets, mistakes- it's all together. His whole life is connected. The Headmaster of Hogwarts doesn't know what to do with anything anymore. The tragic tale of Severus Snape's conscience, who was more of a hero than he ever knew.


**Disclaimer:** Everything semi-related to Harry Potter goes to JK Rowling.

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><p><span>Connected<span>

"Ugh!"

Severus Snape let out a low hiss of pain as his branding throbbed painfully, his hand falling limply onto the haphazard papers on his desk: WHERE WAS HARRY POTTER?

He was coming. Growing stronger, evolving, training...the siege on Hogwarts would be mere weeks away, not more than a month, certainly. His army would storm the castle, and Severus was positive nearly all would be lost.

Feeling the brand on his skin, the hot blood pulsed painfully through his veins, under his cold skin, he thinks it's quite possibly the greatest mistake he ever made. He was young, and arrogant, and foolish, and all he wanted...he wanted _Lily. _That's all he ever wanted, and the man he had decided to support, to dedicate his life to, took her from him.

And that's all it came down to, really, because is if Severus were to name one word to describe his entire life, he would choose _mudblood_.

He befriended a mudblood, that's how it all had started. She had treated him as a friend, a companion. It was the nature of a child- one can go only so long without being lonely.

She thought he was _worth _it_. _Worth something, anything. For the first time in his life, he meant something to someone. She had muggle friends, and a sister, but she wanted to spend all of her time with him, and that's when he realized he loved her. She was his best friend, and he never wanted anything to happen to her. He would protect her, and love her, and forever it would be just the two of them.

Severus Snape was twelve when he realized he was _in _love with Lily Evans.

He realized what the consequences of something like that may be just a few minutes after.

He was a Slytherin, during a time when a Dark Lord was on his rise to power. Severus wasn't stupid- he saw the whispers in corners of the common room, dark looks on the faces of his professors, the fear in the eyes of his peers, the stories in the _Prophet_, the gleeful looks of his prefects.

The worst, though, was when he began thinking this "Dark Lord" had the right idea. These..._mudbloods_- did they really deserve a place at Hogwarts?

Lily did. He was sure of it.

The thought of power: the immortality, the invincibility- the fact was that Voldemort was going to come out on top, an unbeatable force of immense power. It was inevitable. If there was power to be won, a new cause in the Ministry, a new leader of the country, Severus was going to be on the winning side. It was a simple choice.

But when Lucius Malfoy approached him, _finally_ asking him to join the Dark Lord's cause, choosing suddenly became impossible. In a spot of sympathy, Malfoy let him bide his time. But he knew Severus had already chosen. Once you're in, you never leave. Voldemort need not advertise, or threaten; he embodied the greater good, a whole new world, and drew in followers like flies to a flame. Severus couldn't resist, and as he became closer and closer to his new cause, he pushed Lily farther and farther away.

And in an epic, post-exam, incredibly anticlimactic fashion, especially considering how much this very moment had destroyed everything Severus ever cared about, his world went up in flames, tumbling down around him with one word.

_"Mudblood." _

His entire life shattered, and he pushed her, _his_ Lily, the only person who had ever mattered to him, in the entire world, right into his arms. Not immediately, of course, but all in due time. James Potter, for the first time in five years, had the chance with the girl of his dreams, and he certainly didn't miss the opportunity. _Potter_ was there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on- when her sister completely excommunicated her, when she needed a friend,_ when her best friend called her something he had told her her entire life she was not._

That was it, then. Severus built up the walls around his heart, and he never let anyone in again. He devoted himself to fulfilling the parts of his life he could change- his intellect, his power, his drive, because he would never love again.

But then his Lord killed her. He murdered her, in cold blood. That broke him, and he was determined to make sure she did not die in vain.

But every year, Harry managed to nearly kill himself. The last part of her he had left was going to die, he was being raised to die. Voldemort would show no mercy, and the gentle soul of Lily Evans would never live on.

His mistakes, his fears, his regrets, his _love_- it all went back to his beautiful Lily. The _mudblood._

After sixteen years since her death, since he had tried to make himself better, he was positive it was all for naught. Severus was worse than all the others- wizard, mudblood, muggle, they were all on one level. But Severus had betrayed his best friend, he had devoted himself to a hopeless cause, and his life had become a tragic story. Not the sort with a heroic ending, the sort with only cold, hard truths.

There was no redemption in the eyes of others- Severus would never be an equal. But if he could fight, if he could use his dying breath to bring down the man that had destroyed his entire life, he would be redeemed. Perhaps not in the eyes of the dead he had left in his path, or of those who would survive the Battle, or of his dear Lily. But for him, for his own conscience, perhaps it would lessen the blow, if only for a while; after years of doing nothing, of following others, he would do something for him. To do what he felt needed to be done.

Every one of his little moments, broken into infintesimally small pieces of time would add to the moment in which Lord Voldemort would murder him himself. For a clear conscience, for Lily, for everyone whould not accept his apology. For _himself_: Severus Snape would not go down without a fight.

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><p><strong>AN: **I hope you liked that, and concrit is really appreciated. Please drop a review if you liked it. Intense stuff really isn't my thing, so some reassurance would be lovely.

Written for:

**Hogwarts School Competition: **potions (write an angst; prompts: fact, idea, temperature, story, nature); history of magic (write about someone not letting go; prompts: thought, country, exam, week, army); DADA (write about a teacher affected by the defense teacher curse; prompts: paper, child, news, month, truth)

**Disney Movie Competition: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: **write about someone jealous

**Cinema Competition: Black Swan: **write about the dark, or angst

**Star Challenge: Shaula: **write about a death eater

Lara,


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